Your dad rocked jorts before you did and he’s still got the jean tailoring skills to prove it. Have you ever kicked so much ass that your legs exploded threw your pants? Probably not, but your dad has. His Danny Dukes were his summer staple that showed off his walking sticks to the local talent pool. High-thigh tan lines were his calling card and Levi’s stock rose every time he saddled into a pair.
So hipsters, when you’re apathy deep in you scissor-slip denim and men are checking out your ass because they’ve mistaken your frail legs for those of a fairer kind, remember this…
Your dad stopped wearing jorts because you’ve tarnished their once masculine reputation within the thunderdome of manhood.
Don’t forget to check out the book too.
Your dad flashed man thigh in short shorts before you did and your mom has rubbed aloe vera on his sunburnt quads to prove it. You wouldn’t throw a tarp over a Picasso, which is why your dad wouldn’t cover up his walking sticks. They were god’s gift to woman that attracted lady-gazes whenever he took them, and his pedestals for badassery that let him high-step it into the history books of seduction.
So hipsters, next time you’re camel-tail deep in jorts and not realizing how terrible your emaciated twigs look when exposed to direct sunlight, remember this…
Your dad’s legs were sculpted from granite and ass-kicking, which is why the world deserved to see them.
Hey hipsters prepare to spit out your fair-trade, organic roast coffee all over your Macbook because you’re about to get photo-slapped in the dome-piece with truth. Try looking at the modern adonis above and deny his awesome. Yes, he’s rocking jorts and showing leg cleavage. Yes, he has face-carpet. Yes, he’s riding a velo-beast. He was a badass and never forget that half of your genes (and all of your style) come from a man that lived so aggressively that people mistook his partying for nature disasters.
You dad wore jorts before you did and his were shorter. He was showing off the man tackle to the breezies on his block and it worked. Turned out his camel tail was your mom’s panty kryptonite.
Why do you wear them hipsters?
“I cut the short that way so when I’m riding my bike they don’t get caught on my knees”
“I need a place to carry my u-lock and to clip my carabiner to”
Your father is ashamed. He rocked jorts with pride because they showed off his pride. No excuses.
Sorry hipsters, your jorts don’t exude masculinity, deadly seduction and a mammal toe like your fathers did.