Your dad had a beard before you did. It wasn’t a trend or a fashion statement, it was pure function and unbridled masculinity. With his beard, he could fall a tree without picking up an axe. With your patchwork beard, the only thing you can do is attract ironic women who only like beards because they’ve been brain washed by PBR into thinking they’re attractive. You want to know how your dad got your mom? The power of his beard lured her in and then his silver tongue made her stay. So hipster, stop trying to grow your face in, you’re never going to kill it like dad.